Jive Turkey
by Menoma-Minx
Summary: Eric VS a vampiric turkey of a rather unexpected kind.FangReaders 1shot Week 48.  Rated mature for language-both the use and abuse of the English language in particular.And yes,this is really a story and not just a string of jokes.Still funny though:-
1. Chapter 1

PLEASE READ:Rated mature for language-both the use and abuse of the English language in this offends you ,please stop reading ,as some links are bypassing warnings in this story descriptions.

EVERYONE ELSE:Despite being my own twisted brand of it, this is meant to be funny - -have fun :-)

"Start over," mumbled the blond behemoth,"tell me again, " came the anguished voice from his doubled over form-Elbows touching knees as he looked up from his seat at his entourage of idiocy,"how this could happen?"

Then he snapped ,"How the fucking hell does this happen!...In ...My ...Area ?

He braced himself for yet another round of excuses. This has been going on so long that at this point he was actually developing favorites based on sheer amusement value. It was really only a matter of time until they broke him or he broke out the stakes. Right now, it felt like even odds either way.

Indira's version actually involved a reincarnated turkey that was born again as a human and then turned into a vampire!

Maxwell swore he had nothing to do with it ,but he may have noticed that the aforementioned vampire (Who was not a reincarnated turkey,no matter what Fairy flavored crack Indira was on)spoke with Seventies slang speech patterns that nobody actually used in the seventies .It was almost like their entire vocabulary came from a Disco ball induced epileptic fit,the accountant insisted in his account. Also,Maxwell is beyond reproach in this matter and should be allowed to go home and work on his taxes . As if the sheriff was stupid enough not to realize that doing taxes would actually be a reward to an accountant!No, Not happening .

Thalia's account actually embodied stupid!She said ,and oh how he wished he was making this up; Thalia said that the sheriff was just in a pissy assed mood because someone else's ass thought of an easier way to make money off the wealthier sipables. Definitely a stake with her name on it had she said this directly to him ,but she told Rubio Hermosa—a vamp who would loose a battle of wits with Bubba—while she thought her sheriff was distracted by his progeny's parable of wtf.

His Pam,who he'd like to disown right about now,she said that her dear Abby had answers:her fucking dearest **Abigail Van Buren** has Alzheimer's disease so bad,she forgot her name was **Pauline Phillips!.NO! Not his child!Or she wouldn't be if vampires **could divorce their children like humans could.

He'd like to divorce himself from this whole situation.

It was the line dancing that tipped him off. Lines to get into Fantasia weren't all that unusual. It was the usual mix: fangbangers,tourists and costumed cosplay freaks. Pam was throwing one of her ID checking fits,masked as dry wit and fooling no one by the time the Dolly Kei gowns by Grimorie tiara ed goth girls showed up:With that awful tasting 'tasteful' makeup that could absolutely ruin a meal.

So Pam was rightfully pissed! Probably shouldn't have threatened to snatch off their cheapass wigs—tiaras and all;because all of a sudden a flashmob doing 70's dance moves broke out!All the same moves completely in synch, regardless of the distance in line between dancers. And they couldn't be glamoured out of it!No matter who tried,exactly 3minutes and 54 seconds of choreography. Maxwell even timed it without a stopwatch—GEEK!

Passed the whole mess to Bill,who only wanted the job to cockblock Eric's Sookie,and was now stuck cock deep in the job—very,very,single;which made Eric very,very,happy.

Then,things got weird.

Palomino comes to him asking for a license to glamour—like in for money. She claimed the tourists were raving about this licensed vamp,who just had to be the latest urban legend revolving around their kind ;except she had a name. Sounded like ,"a nancy".Well, if Nancy boy wanted to play in area five,he would have checked in by now. Clearly,nobody was stupid enough to come into his area without checking in .This was strictly urban legend stuff .He told her so .She introduced him to some "clients ".

Client one:"Everyone gots different standards uh how dey choose t'spend deir, some go fo' bigga' cribs, some supa finer clodes, some higher-priced cars. It's all sucka'al preference."

"What?"

"I wants'ed some bigga' penis. "

"I'm sorry,"so very not sorry said the Viking Shaped nail grooves on the desk ,"but what are you saying exactly ? "

"To please mah' lady, ah' needed some bigga' penis o' she wuz goin' t'leave ah' have some big penis,I do not need dat honky chick no mo'.I left ha' ,a'cuz all de honky chicks uh de wo'ld need me! Right on! "

" Right."Totally Bill's problem. Eric texted Pam for a measuring tape to take to Bill's house along with instructions on what it was for .A few seconds later ,he could hear her laughing. Good to know someone was getting a good time out of this .

Client two : I wuz raised in some very religious community . Monogdat fine femahnaine ladee, monodeism, self-control, prudence, cleanliness, fo'titude, self-interested labo':Dese is all mah' enemies. Mo'ality teaches joker to be at war wid himself,to resist his passions, t'repress dem, t'recon' dat he be incapable uh handlin' his passions wisely. Slap mah fro! ah' wuz some wise enough t'know dis ,but not wise enough t'overcome it. Man! Dis wuz no way t'live. You's is eida' alive and proud o' ya' is wasted, and when ya' is wasted, ya' kin't care anyway. Slap mah fro!Now ah' get t'live ! Right on!Dat wasted vampire gave me life! Right on! "

Eric was struck speechless .

Also, Eric wasn't even sure any of that speech he just heard was even in English;or maybe it was just Glamour induced brain damage. Still, very much Bill's problem,although nowhere near as fun anymore .

He then instructed Palomino to have the rest of the clients interviewed directly by Bill. He instructed himself not to kill anyone for the rest of night. It was not easy.

Turns out, this Nancy fellow hadn't stopped at "line dancing for shits and giggles" as Parker called it. That would have made Eric's life too easy. In fact, had it stopped there ,dumping all that shit on Bill's doorstep would have been incredibly amusing .Fuck!

So as the night went on,it became apparent that all kinds of weirdness and just general fuckery were tied to keywords being spoken-regardless of context that they were spoken in.

"Tiara"triggered the line dance.

"after school"triggered people jumping out of their seat screaming ," 'T' 'R' 'Y'!Do it now !"

"Winchester" made them fart,as did the name "Sam"

"Co-ed" made the women stand with their legs apart,knees and backs locked straight ,and bend over wiggling their assets during the entire movement .

"PM" had them lifting their drinks to the ceiling in a sudden movement,splashing the contents everywhere on everyone. Since the word "2" and it sound alikes also caused this reaction,drink sales were up;but that was about the only good thing about it. The line to get in was definitely moving faster tonight because if it.

"gimme"caused people to take all their clothes off,although the variant "give me"did not. And not just the sexy people either!Eric went home early over this last one. Some people should never be seen naked!

Unfortunately, as a very nauseated Eric was driving home ,the infamous Nancy arrived at Fangtasia .

That was last night. At some point,not only had every single vampire in his area met Nancy ;but not a single one of them agreed upon anything concerning Nancy. They didn't even agree on the name!

Anansi

Anancy

Anance

Brer Nansi

'Nansi

There were more,but the only thing Eric would call this guy again was "Asshole!".

At least,to himself,outside the official reports,and very much out of range of this trickster:who officially would remain Bill's problem- for Eric to kick up the ladder to King De Castro himself if Bill asked for help.

Eric himself would never let this turkey touch him again;unless, maybe, as a coffin time story to freak some future progeny of his against the abuses of glamour...or not.


	2. Chapter 2

There are a lot multilayered jokes in this. I don't expect anyone would get every one, but I hope the Easter egg hunt for them will add to the fun factor. Feel free to post them in the review section if you find them.

I'll get you started: this story contains absolutely no original characters!

Have fun :-)


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